ghosts never haunt you as passionately as the living
and crushed expectations run through my fingers like water
i never hated you as much as i loved you
i never hated you as hard as i fucked you
that was never supposed to be the end for us
but the deadline for our numbered days pushed us apart like death
i always poured milk in my lemon tea
because i like to see the milk curdle
and rise to the top
and i pretend i am the milk
separating myself from your tangled limbs
you said i couldn't say no to you
you didn't stop when i said no
you choked the blue out of my eyes
and you only loosened your grip when your name escaped from my throat
like a memory
your anger hibernates in the winter months
the cold swallows the spirit
the strength
but spring struck with full force
like the mama bear in the revenant
but i'm not bitter enough to spend a two hour movie's worth of time chasing you down
remember when i buried myself in your shirt during the rape scene?
why did you always say "i'm sorry" afterward?
as if your words could clot blood
when you slept over, i flinched when you tried to touch me
you said we should take a break until i got over it
but i'm still not over it
just like i'm not over the frat party
and just like there's no amount of oral sex that could make it up to me
why did you always offer only after you scared me?
our love followed the moon phases
it ebbed and flowed like the tide
we were a wave breaking on the beach
you always hated the beach
no amount of storm clouds were an adequate warning sign for the hurricane
and january was the eye of the storm
calm as sleep
but the kids are alright
and hope escaped through the pores of my skin
you erased all of my accomplishments by claiming you could do it too if you tried hard enough
let me know when you make a fortune through sheer willpower
we both came from broken families but our similarities end there
why did you always tell me you loved me
just to take it back when i returned the favor?
twist the knife in deeper
gut me like a fish
i won't be satisfied til you wear my skin like a coat
that will be your scarlet letter
i never knew masochism could hurt this good
maybe you wouldn't be as bad if you weren't a closet misogynist
i am not your mother or her placenta
still you bathe me in all her mistakes
i am not a mistake
i don't think you know this,
but we're too old for this shit
i'm too old to sneak into your bedroom at night
when i have an apartment of my own
with enough windows to bring the light in
stop flattering yourself and flattening your emotions
i'm not always right
but i'm never wrong
you are everything and nothing
you are the bad qualities of your father and all the good ones
but i can no longer justify the deepening lines on my forehead
i just want to get some sleep
you never let me sleep
