weekday lover part 27.869

sometimes my unkempt sheets document the bedtime battlefield

my duvet's on the floor in a fetal position
calling for her mother
and my pillow's wearing a black eye like a fashion accessory

the empty space on my full-sized bed reminds me of how we could never get close enough on the twin mattress tucked in the corner of your room



i always wanted us to be more than we were. i always wanted your hands to wander over your heart and pluck it out of your chest like tweezers do eyebrows. i always wanted you to give me more than you gave.

you faithfully followed a recipe for resentment. all that was left to do was watch the clock.

i'll spoon feed you my eye if you hand me the carving knife
the wolf told me it would improve your hindsight
i just want to keep all the promises you and god never could

i'll cut out your heart before you forget me
don't forget me
the world's not ready

i'll chop off my middle finger
that carries the ring my mother gave
with honest intentions and melancholia curling up her leg
"sorry we're moving out of state
and we let the sign in the front yard do the talking
i still love you"
the ring is my daily bread of "no matter what i do, i still love you"
but store the finger in your freezer



i speak gory and bloody
i'm sorry and nutty
i performed a lobotomy
and then lost that part of me
along with the forgiven nights

i handed out too many forgiven nights without payment
you owe me cigarettes, movie tickets, coffee, breakfast, cocaine money, and apologies

one morning, i woke you at seven to explain that i hadn't fallen asleep
the porn wasn't doing it for me
i was back-to-the-wall, dead duck, up the creek
and you called me a freak
just like my daddy used to before he curled his hands into fists

but honey, i'm still cutting out pieces of myself and that means i'm not done with you yet
the pinky toe guarantees i'll do the dishes more often
the left ear atones for the father who was too preoccupied to hear your cries for help
and the skin on my knee confesses that the cat didn't run away
he was hit by the neighbor and i buried him for us



i was just hoping to convert you to my religion of happiness
because i smile every day without considering the muscles it requires to do so
and i ached for my happy happy happy
to rub off on your tongue like a new language
to fall onto your bookshelf instinctively like dust
to repair your perspective like a new prescription

but the last night, i softened into shades of blue,
and my eyes were sewn into my lap to prevent eye contact
i was begging for your arms to envelop my shrinking frame, shriveling with the shame of old secrets
but you said, "despite all this, i still want to have sex with you"
detached lips responded and severed limbs followed into the backseat
your dick was wet with tears but you were too high to notice
you said, "i dare you to make me cum. you know just how daddy likes it."



and i'm bleeding life onto the carpet
and blood swears i'll water the grass
i'll call the repairman for the sprinklers
i'll water your heart with validation and understanding
i'll make sure you eat more vegetables

don't leave me
don't leave me

and then i remember

i left you